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The Agony of My Silence

Lately I have been feeling increasingly restless.

Physically in my body. Like I have been sitting on an airplane for 48 hours.

Except that I haven’t.

Restless in my mind.

Bored of the hamster wheel of the same old tales.

“Women supporting women.” Yes. Until one of them does something that the other doesn’t particularly like. And then let’s tear them down. Let’s call them heavy and icky energy.

“But – don’t get me wrong. I’m all for supporting women.”

Where are the bullet-proof morals? Are they even possible within the confines of our human existence?

Because it matters how many people have spent half a millisecond clicking “like” on my post. And on certain days of the month I scroll through Instagram and wonder why I feel two steps behind my own life.

Why can’t I keep up with myself?

And I have children and a husband and friends and two businesses and a family and time to relax and time to exercise and time to eat and time to shower and time to wonder how on EARTH do I fit myself into my own life?

I desperately want to speak.

I want to tell you my stories. But god. I don’t want to add even more incessant noise to your world. I mean, can you even hear yourself think?

And so this is me. Standing in the middle of a forest. Not knowing where to go. Not knowing what to do.

Except that I do.

And if I can be brave enough to let it all fall away. Let it all come crashing down around me. All those sky scraping trees and bushes that have grown up around me since the beginning of time.

Then what? What will be left? What on earth will I see?

Over the last few months I have been going through somewhat of a spiritual crisis. Or maybe it’s not. Who knows.

The overwhelming energy is a sense of silence. Ear piercing, head throbbing, heart pumping silence.

Silence pushing out of me like a rebellious reflection of the words and voices that surround me.

“Before you speak, ask yourself: is it kind, is it necessary, is it true, does it improve on the silence?” – Sai Baba

For the last few months, my answer has been a resounding “No”.

And so I continue to sit. And wait. And watch. And dare not whisper. Because I don’t trust that what will come out of my mouth right now will be the truth. And I so desperately, achingly, need the truth.

So if you are lost in the woods right now, please know that you are not alone. It’s highly possible that I am standing right beside you. Just inches away. Will you shatter this world with your truth? Please. Please let me see the shards begin to tumble down.

{ 7 comments… add one }
  • Claire Baker March 13, 2017, 1:17 pm

    We’re cut from the same cloth, you and I. I love you. And I don’t have to tell you that there are seasons for silence and seasons for speaking. You know your truth, we’re ready for it when you’re ready to share it. XO

  • Katie March 13, 2017, 11:08 pm

    This is absolutely beautiful. You’ve touched my heart deeply.
    Thank you for sharing a piece of you here. May there be more when you are ready. Until then, the silence can be a very peaceful place to be. With love x

  • Naomi Arnold March 13, 2017, 11:38 pm

    Oh my, Jasmine, I resonate with this so much – thank you for sharing. I look forward to reading what else you have to share when the time is right. x

  • Cassie Mendoza-Jones March 13, 2017, 11:46 pm

    Oh beauty, we do want to hear what you want to say, whenever you are ready. Sending so much love. XO

  • Rachael Stella March 14, 2017, 12:32 am

    ??? I’m so moved by this Jasmine. This truth was definitely an improvement on the silence. I’m feeling it. ??

  • Leah Davies March 14, 2017, 6:19 am

    I feel you with every bit of this body and being. Speak up when the time is right. We’ll be here listening xoxo

  • dayle March 16, 2017, 6:27 am

    Poetry Jas. xx

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